pot of coffee

A week at work during which I let myself get overrun by my own emotional stress. I can’t control that I react emotionally to challenges at work. I think that’s a function of the kind of personality that gets into my kind of job, and which is by job description pitted together/against a bunch of similar personalities.

P says I need to step back and unwind; he is worried about how tightly wound I have been for several days. But I can’t; that doesn’t work. (I tried in good faith.) The only thing that works for me is winding tighter and blasting through the bad feelings. If I’ve worked really hard I can cut a lot of fear and self-recrimination and irritation off at its knees. I can say to myself, “at least I did my best.”

Not quite mid-day on Saturday yet but so far the weekend has been an entire pot of coffee and 3 hours silent work. I paused to write this so my eyes would refocus; now I’m going back.

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